a few days of poker, and the start of psychotherapy

Things are starting to turn a little poker wise. At the beginning of September, I was all ready to have to give up my car the following month as I simply didn't have the cash to get the thing through it's MOT, pay insurance, tax etc. From the beginning of September though, I've been staked to play small MTT's on pokerstars, and following a good first month my share of the profits was enough to mean I could keep the car after all. Having kept that money aside, the MOT and service was cheaper than anticipated, so I treated myself to the Thursday night comp at Luton. Although I didn't cash, a sneaky £20 in the slots on the way out saw me leave with £250, and I decided to use some of it to play the London leg of the Betfred ladies tour on the Saturday. On the Friday, however, a very kindly soul who had won a second seat for the event said that, having read my blog, she wanted me to have it, in return for a 20% cut. Thank you so much.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I cashed in 4th for £1170, although was very disappointed not to have won, having been in a good position to take it down from about 8 out. The poker gods had other ideas though.

The cash is a big help. I am still waiting for my housing benefit claim to go through (has been some three months in processing now), and had to borrow the money to pay last month's rent from my brother - something I really did not like doing. This month's rent is due today, so it's a relief to have the cash there to pay it rather than having to go begging to family again.

It's all very hand to mouth at the moment, but it's good that these little cashes are coming along at a time when they are much appreciated.

I had my first psychotherapy session yesterday. The psychologist explained that it would be the first of three assessment sessions, after which they will decide what form of treatment will be best for me. The hour flew by, and we barely scratched the surface, but encouragingly she seemed to listen to everything I was saying, and spotted some patterns in events that I'd never picked up on myself looking at things from the inside out, so hopefully there's something to work on there.

Thanks!

just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who has left me comments on here and facebook, and also to those who have sent me private messages. Most interesting (to me at least) are the amount of people who can relate to what I've written. Knowing how many people have had similar experiences but not felt able to talk about them really makes me wonder sometimes if 'mental illness' is really the right term to use - the percentage figures bandied about are, probably, imo, well underestimated. Lots of us hide behind a facade to get on with life, but struggle inside, and never speak up for fear of being labelled or stigmatised.

I realise it's a personal decision for everyone, and can understand totally why people might want to keep their 'sane' label for the sake of being accepted in society, and I sometimes wish I'd never taken the step of getting diagnosed. You all know, I hope, that I would never 'out' anyone, but thought I'd just make reference to it here so that you all know that, as well as me, we're in a lot of good company.

thinking about the past

on a bit of a roll now, so why the hell not make another post?!

As I mentioned before, I have my first session of psychotherapy next week. If this is going to work, I'm going to have to be prepared to face a lot of demons and relive a lot of stuff from my past which has no doubt contributed to the problems I experience today, as an adult.

Dropping off to sleep the other night my mind turned to the forthcoming therapy, and wandered off over some of the more unplesant memories of my childhood. I'm in two minds about whether to go into it here. I don't think it would serve any purpose though, and may be upsetting, so I won't. Suffice to say, it's those kind of memories that have left a searing scar on my memory. The particular memory that was plaguing me the other night was one from when I was 7 or 8 years old. I can remember it as if I am physically back there in the room. I think the fact that my own daughter is reaching that kind of age now, and just the sheer horror of imagining her experiencing anything like that made me feel full of self pity for my pre-adolescent self, which is a ridiculous thing to be feeling this far on in the future.

It's not going to be comfortable talking about stuff like this with a stranger. A few people know general stuff about what I went through, but I've never, ever, discussed the specifics. I'm kind of scared that talking about the things I do remember might open up a can of worms and uncover previously suppressed memories. Chances are quite high that I'll get worse before I get better, so if, after next Monday, I seem a bit moody or whatever, please bear with me.

Getting there and going public

So it's been nearly two months since I posted on here. That's mainly because things have been fairly stable, so it's all good. Looking back at some of the old posts, it's like reading about a different person, but I'm glad I kept this blog going in the dark times because in the past it's been very easy to dismiss episodes I've been through as being somehow imagined or exaggerated with memory.

I've decided now to make my blog public. I'm sure a lot of people with disagree with that being a wise decision, but it's one I'm comfortable with, and if it helps spread a bit of awareness and understanding, then that can only be a good thing. On a selfish note, if it makes people a big more tolerant of my mood swings and occasional irritability then that's good too!

To summarise for any new readers that may be reading from the top down, during the course of this year I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia and Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also commonly referred to as Borderline Personality Disorder - the American equivalent, I think). Wikipedia have good pages explaining the conditions.

As a catch up for the rest of you, I had a second appointment with the psychiatrist a week or two after my last post. We discussed treatment, and the decision whether to take medication in the form of mood stabilisers (most probably lithium). It was explained to me that, whilst the medication works well for a lot of people, for someone like me, a woman in her early-mid thirties, it's not quite as straightforward as 'giving them a go'. The recommended medications are long term, and signing up to a course would mean years, if not a lifetime, of taking the tablets. If I decided to pursue that route, I would pretty much be resigning myself to never having more children. Now, I don't know if I want more children. In fact, until I had that conversation with the psychiatrist, I was pretty sure I didn't, but it's a hell of an ask to just write it off. Additionally, the available medications have a lot of known side effects which may be worse than what they are trying to treat.

In conjunction with the psychiatrist, I've taken the decision to carry on without medication for the time being, riding through the swings. I have been accepted for psychotherapy, which apparently for some people with my diagnosis is enough to manage the condition without medication. I'm really hoping that is the case for me. I have my first appointment next week, so please keep everything crossed. I'll be seeing the psychiatrist again sometime before the end of the year to discuss whether I'm happy with the decision to continue med-free for the time being.

On the work front, I think I've discovered this year that there are no happy endings. 'Onwards and upwards' in that respect was, perhaps, misplaced optimism. For the moment, I'm living on benefits, and not enjoying the feeling of being a second class citizen. The amount of presumptions people make about single mothers on benefits (that I've never worked, am lazy etc) are making me feel like a bit of a social outcast just now, but I get through it knowing that this is just temporary. I am hopeful that after several sessions of psychotherapy I'll be ready to get back out into the workplace after the new year. I know there's no 'dream job' - in fact I'll almost definitely have to take a massive step backwards in terms of the kind of job I will get and in comparison to the salary I was getting before, but am hoping I can find some kind of balance so that I can get on with having some kind of normal, happy, life.

If anyone has any comments/questions about cyclothymia, emotionally unstable personality disorder, or anything else I've posted on this blog, then please feel free to ask away. It's good to know people are reading and, as I said, I hope I can use my experiences in some small way to raise awareness. I don't bite, honestly!

back to reality

Blonde bash at the weekend was, at the time, a lot of fun. The inevitable comedown started yesterday, and we're back at rock bottom today. It's got me to wondering if, with my condition, I should avoid situations where I have fun and feel happy, as going back to 'real life' is that much harder. Until today, I've been ok since I last posted as I've had stuff to look forward to. Of course I didn't get the job I was after. It would have been a real turning point, a ticket to a new life, but things like that just don't happen to people like me. I took the knock OK, as I wasn't expecting anything to come of it, but there was a tiny part of me that hoped this would finally be my moment.

So today, I've been in tears pretty much since I woke up. The tears are caused by a combination of things. Shame (at the situation I'm in, unable to look after myself and my daughter properly, having to go begging to the state), Frustration (at myself for the mental blocks that are stopping me doing what needs to be done), Self Hatred (that's pretty much a given nowadays), and loneliness.

In order to help tackle the last one, I've decided to put an advert on an internet dating site, I think I'll be beating them off with a shitty stick. Here's the first draft:

"Overweight, unattractive, manic depressive with a truckload of baggage, no job, no money, no prospects, seeks similar for fun and frolics"

I'll let you know how it goes.

It's been a while....

...since I last updated. Things have been up and down. I've just made a long post on a bi-polar support forum, so thought I'd copy and paste it here too. It's pretty long, and there is a lot of repetition of stuff I've already written about here, but here goes!

Warning in advance, this is going to be a long post!

Having been diagnoses as suffering with anxiety and depression several years ago, I came to the realisation a couple of months ago that things probably weren't quite that straightforward, and spoke to my GP about the possiblity of my actually suffering from a bi polar disorder. She referred me to the local mental health centre for diagnosis, and my appointment was today.


Over the last couple of months, my life has been on hold waiting for this day to come. Because of my anxiety and extreme mood swings, I've not felt able to go out and find work (I left my long term job in January, basically due to my health problems), and the money I received in return for leaving has now run out, I've recently decided to split from my partner and I'm getting further and furter in to debt. It sounds silly, but just getting myself sorted out with putting in benefit claims and other such 'simple; things is really hard for me at the moment and brings on panic attacks and bouts of acute depression. It's difficult as someone who has always considered herself very bright and capable to not be able to fulfil the simplest of tasks without becoming a quivering wreck. It makes me angry at myself, and also embarrassed.

My first contact with mental health professionals came a month or so ago. I had a panic attack whilst home alone with my 6 year old daughter. That morning, whilst my daughter was with her dad, I had been rock bottom, feeling suicidal. I am fortunate enough to have a good network of friends that I can talk to, and I have made a concerted effort lately to use rather than shun that support, as I might have in the past. Anyway, my daughter was obviously very upset and frightened, as she'd never witnessed me having a panic attack before. I, in turn, got upset myself which didn't help matters, so I decided to call an ambulance out. To cut a long story short, an hour later my daughter was at her dad's my partner (now ex) had arrived home from work and I was feeling the most lucid I had for some time. It was like I had tunnel vision, and I found myself getting up, walking out of the house, and heading straight for the main road. My partner physically restrained me, and in my mind I thought 'I'll just have to do it later when there's no one around'.

I had already explained to the ambulance staff that I was awaiting an appointment on 20th August, and they convinced me to go to the hospital with them to see the mental health crisis team. They told me I'd be able to get immediate help. That appealed, so I went with them. The experience at the hospital was not a pleasant one. On arrival at A&E I was still a bit 'out of body' if that makes sense, although I was aware of a nurse saying to the ambulance staff 'well, what is she doing here?'. I felt like I was wasting everyone's time. I was left to wait in a cubicle in A&E on my own, and a nurse finally came to take my bp etc. Whilst she was there, I burst into tears and she said in a very surprised voice 'why are you crying!?'. I just carried on and she left me alone again for about another 45 minutes. During this time I was a wreck, crying, had bitten red-raw every available inch of skin on my arms, and scratched at my legs until they were bleeding.

I was just on the verge of walking out when a man arrived who introduced himself as a trainee psychiatric nurse, and asked me to go with him. He seemed very nervous, and spoke to me in the most patronising manner, but I suppose I may well have been his first patient. He took me to a room and started asking basic questions and we were joined by a woman who never actually introduced herself, and just started jumping in with questions of her own. It was clear to me that they weren't really understanding what I was saying, and the whole thing felt like a bit of a waste of time. The woman (who did tell me she was 'not a doctor') said that in her opinion there was no need for any medication, and suggested instead that I try to go for a walk each day as that would make me feel better. They said they would write to the mental health centre to see if my appointment could be expedited. At this point it was now about 11pm. It was cold, windy and wet outside, and I had arrived at the hospital in shorts and t-shirt. As I explained, my arms and legs were a mess. I was asked if I felt suicidal at that precise moment and I said I didn't, but that I couldn't say I wouldn't in 10 minutes or an hour. That was good enough for them, and I was packed off home.

A couple of weeks of depression followed, although no more suicidal thoughts. Problems with my partner were adding to the stress, and we had a talk and decided to separate. That was a load off my mind, and over the following week I started to feel better and more empowered. I decided that I was now in a position to start seeking help with some of my monetary problems and went along to the local citizens advice bureau, two weeks ago today. Whilst there, the advisor was going through my options with me, and then started reeling off what seemed like a never ending list of things I needed to do. It was too much, and I had a panic attack. This was actually the first attack I've had in public, and I was so embarrassed, although the staff were wonderful. When I had recovered and was about to leave, the advisor started recapping what I needed to do, and this triggered another attack. Two in one day is another first. I left the bureau, and was supposed to return with information about my debts etc, but I've not been able to face up to that yet.

After leaving the bureau, I made an emergency appointment to see my GP, and was there within half an hour. Whilst at the CAB, the advisor there had told me to ask my GP for a note to use to make a claim for ESA. When I raised this with the GP, she didn't know what I was talking about, and again the stress got too much for me and I had another panic attack. The GP checked my notes and noticed that I had been seen by the mental health crisis team at the hospital and that my appointment at the centre should have been expedited. I said I had heard nothing from them. She explained that the mental health centre operated a drop in policy, and that I would be best placed going to see them rather than coming to her with any problems before my appointment. She wrote me a note to take to them asking for me to be seen urgently that day. On a side note, I also noticed whilst in the surgery that the hospital team had put on their letter to the GP 'seems well, no evidence of self harm'. I don't know who they were looking at.

So, there followed my first visit to the local health centre. I arrived at reception, and handed over the note from my GP. After a 15 minute or so wait a woman came over to see me and said that my GP was 'very naughty' for sending me there as no one was available to see me until 20th August. I broke down in tears. I was sent on my way.

So today came, and by some happy coincidence I've been in a good place for the last few days: happy, confident, laughing. It's nice when it happens. The appointment started off smoothly enough, and I spent an hour talking to a junior doctor about some of my experiences. She said she would go and talk to her consultant, and come up with a care plan. After a while, I was invited to join them. The consultant was not what I would describe as a warm character, and she started firing off questions at me which I'd already answered. She often interrupted my answers with her next question, making me feel that I wasn't really being listened to or understood. When she had finished (in a matter of minutes) she said that her initial diagnoses was cyclothymia, although she said I also displayed symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I was to be referred for psychotherapy, and she gave me a leaflet explaining about mood-stabilising drugs to read and decide if I wanted to try them. She then said I'd have another appointment in 4 weeks.

I don't know what I expected, but having finally made today and feeling now I would be getting some help, the idea of waiting another 4 weeks set me off into another panic attack. I was standing ready to leave the room with the junior doctor at the time, but my legs turned to jelly and I collapsed back on to the chair. I was vaguely aware of the consultant saying 'thank you' (i.e. please leave now), then, more forcefully 'I said THANK YOU' then, 'you need to go, I have another patient coming'. I stood up out of shame even though I knew my legs wouldn't hold me, and I immediately collapsed on to the floor, banging my head quite hard and with an audible thump against the open door, and felt like I was almost fitting on the floor. The consultant continued during this time to tell me to leave the room.
I was pretty much dragged out, still mid-panic attack, by the junior doctor and someone else, into the public waiting area. I have never felt so humiliated or ashamed in my life. As soon as I was able, I got up, and walked out of the front door. The junior doctor followed me and I told her I was having a cigarette but would come back in (although I actually didn't think I would due to the shame). I decided that I hadn't come this far to turn my back on any help available, and braved the walk back inside. The doctor handed me the list of medications, and a prescription for a couple of sedatives 'should I need them'. She tried to make my follow up appointment for a fortnight's time, but the first available was in 4 weeks. She asked if I was ok, and I said I was, apart from being a bit shaken and upset. I said that my head also hurt quite badly from the bump. She looked like she didn't know what to say, and went off back to her office, and I took my leave.
I was exhausted when I arrived home, and have spent all day sleeping. I feel like I need to carry on sleeping. My head still really hurts and there's a bit of a lump there. I have to say that I hope my intial experiences of the people I hoped would give me help and support are not commonplace. I really feel that 'treatment' like I've had could make me worse rather than better.

On the plus side, it's good to have a kind of diagnosis, even though it's only intial. I'll have a look at the information about the drugs I've been given, although I'm not sure when and how I'm supposed to go about getting them prescribed.

If you've got this far, thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings. It has helped a bit getting things of my chest.

So that's the end of what I posted on the forum. I'd like to finish this blog entry on a more positive note though. There is one little glimmer of hope in that it appears a job vacancy has arisen somewhere that I feel could, quite literally in some senses, be my life saviour. I'm waiting for a date to go along to interview. If I got this job (which I feel more than capable of doing as I would enjoy it immensely) it really would be a massive boost for me. I hate putting all my eggs in one basket, but it's difficult when baskets are so scarce. Please keep everything crossed for me.

When it rains, it pours

So I was feeling pretty shitty yesterday as you can probably tell from my last post. Within minutes of publishing that, I had a knock on my front door.

A few weeks ago I reversed into my neighbours car whilst I was trying to park (it's all a bit cramped round here) and I dented their passenger door. I left a note for them fessing up and told them to get it fixed and I'd pay for it.

The knock on the door was to let me know that the car was off being repaired, and to tell me how much it was going to cost. To say I was shocked at the amount is an understatement. To be honest, I don't think the car is even worth what they are spending to get the dent fixed. I went in to a state of shock, collapsed to the floor and started having a bad panic attack. It was horrible as I was alone in the house with Hannah and she was crying and scared as she didn't know what was happening to me. I was struggling to breathe and scared, so called out and ambulance and Gary to come round to get Hannah. A paramedic arrived pretty quickly and was looking after me whilst waiting for the proper ambulance to arrive, poor old Hannah was still upset and scared. Matt then arrived home from work, and Gary came to collect Hannah shortly afterwards. It took about half an hour for the panic attack to subside but it had left me feeling broken. I just wanted to end it all again. I suddenly felt very calm and lucid, and just walked out of the flat with the intention of just carrying on walking into the main road without looking and playing a bit of roulette. Matt followed me though and physically restrained me from walking into the road. I went back to the flat. All that was going through my head was 'ok i'll have to do it later when he's in bed, or tomorrow when he's at work'.

The ambulance arrived, and they convinced me to go to the hospital with them to speak to the mental health team. The whole thing was a waste of time. The ambulance staff were brilliant, talking to me, keeping me alert. They told me that there would be a bit of waiting around at the hospital before I could see the mental health team, but then hopefully they would be able to give me some immediate help. When we got to A&E I was in a bit of a dreamlike state, almost like I was watching the whole thing as an observer. I had to wait about 20 minutes to see a nurse, and was just about to walk out of the hospital when she came in. Whilst I'd been waiting I'd bitten my arms red raw and scratched all the skin off my legs. When she'd finished talking to me, I burst into tears (quite a common one for me once I've been trying to hold it in for a while). She looked shocked and said 'why are you crying?!'. I felt like saying 'I'm fucking depressed, haven't you looked at my notes?!' but I didn't, of course, I just carried on crying and she buggered off and I was left on my own for another half an hour or so.

Anyway, when I eventually saw the mental health team they were about as much use as a chocolate teapot. One guy was a student nurse, and he spoke in the most patronising tone and seemed like he didn't really know what to say half the time. We were joined by a woman who never actually introduced herself and I've no idea what her job title is, although she did say at one point she was 'not a doctor'. After chatting to them for a while I left feeling no better. The woman said that although she's not a doctor she didn't think medication was necessary and that I should go for a walk every day as that would make me feel better. She's going to ask for my assessment appointment to be brought forward, but said she wasn't hopeful.

So that was that. They asked if I was feeling suicidal still. I said I wasn't right at that moment, but once I was on my own again and stewing in my feelings, I couldn't say I wouldn't be feeling like that later that night or the following day. They said that as long as I was ok now I could go home, so that was that. I called Matt to pick me up, waited in the rain for a while, then came home where things were exactly the same as they always are.

Life's still shit, except I now have to find an extortionate amount of money to pay my neighbour, and I've lost all faith in the NHS's ability to help me. Fab.

A bad day

This morning was bad. Really bad. I don't really feel comfortable writing about it to be honest, but I need to get it down somewhere ready for when I have my assessment.

I'm really fed up with my life right now. There are some things I can't talk about on here because they involve others and it's not fair on them, but I'm really at probably the lowest ebb I've ever been. I'm really not coping well with being broke, I've never had to be dependent on anyone else before and I'm struggling. There are also wider issues that have been bothering me.

I've felt suicidal maybe 3 times this year, but I've always got to the point where I think about Hannah and it keeps me going. This morning was different. All I could see when I thought about Hannah was how miserable I make her and that she'd be better off without me. I had thought it all through rationally (or as rationally as I could in that state of mind) and all that was left really was to decide whether to use pills or a knife. It passed, but I'm not sure for how long. Really to me at the moment ending it all just seems like the easiest answer to all my problems, and all the problems I cause for everyone else.

I'm not going to do it right now, Hannah's here and Matt will be home shortly, but if I get as low again as I did this morning I can't promise I won't take that final step. Yes some people will be sad for a bit, but long term I can't see anyone being worse off without me, and at least I won't have to put up with this miserable excuse of an existence any longer. Being out of work and having no money is really getting to me but it's a vicious circle because I'm too ill to work. I'm just so fucking fed up of doing nothing but sitting on my arse all day, every day, all night, every night and not being able to afford to go out and do the things I enjoy, the things that used to get me through the weeks.

Life's shit.

A down day. Hopefully just a blip.

Well after 10 days or so of feeling pretty much ok, I, for no apparent reason, too a downturn late last night before I went to bed. I hoped sleeping might sort me out, and with Hannah at Gary's I could have a bit of a lie in. I got a good 9 hours sleep, but woke up feeling like crap. I would have stayed in bed but for the fact that it was 9.45 when I woke, and I had a couple of mystery shopping jobs lined up in Windsor for late morning/early afternoon. I got out of bed, had a bath (how I wish I had a proper shower in this weather), then just lay on the bed for a bit drying up. I don't know how long I was lying there before I realised that silent tears were streaming down my face. My head felt heavy and wooly (it's so hard to described feeling depressed). I cancelled the jobs, just not able to face the big bad world today, and spent the rest of the day in bed sleeping in about 20-30 minute bursts.

I feel a little better since getting up again this afternoon, but far from the 'OK' I'd got used to over the past days.

Making a few peanuts, and psyc referral.

Just thought it was time for a little update! I've been doing the online text chat thing for a few days now. I've sent a total of over 600 messages and after deductions for my training I've earned a grand total of about 12 quid lol! I'll see how it goes, it's easy to do, and handy to be able to work from home on my laptop, but I'd get better money doing just about anything. Anyway, every little helps. I've also signed up to a few mystery shopper sites and have a few assignments lined up, I'm doing a McDonald's drive through tomorrow, a Subway and a mobile phone shop on Thursday, a pub on Sunday and a KFC on Monday! Again, the money is not great, typically £4-£5 for each one, but I also get free meals and drinks, and most of them shouldn't take more than 15 minutes or so, then about the same to write up the reports. I'll be lucky to earn a total of more than a few hundred quid doing these jobs over the next month, but it's better than nothing.

I got a letter today from the centre to which I've been referred by my GP for my psychiatric referral asking me to call them to make an appointment, which I duly did. I was told they have a bit of a waiting list and first available appointment is 20th August. Not overjoyed to be honest, as I was hoping to get moving with this thing and get sorted asap so I can get on with the rest of my life, but I can't afford to go private, so I guess I'll just have to wait it out. I'm going to go back and look again at locally advertised temp jobs. There were a lot I discounted before as the money seemed so bad. I guess I should forget what I was earning before, and look at what I'm earning now and those crappily paid jobs look like they're offering a king's ransom!

Had a nice day today, went to watch Hannah's sports day this morning, 9.30am and it was already ridiculously hot! She enjoyed herself, and it was fun to watch.

That's about all for now I think. I don't have much of a life at the moment, although I'm slowly getting used to being skint!

New 'job'

Well, I had my final training session for the text chat operator stuff late last night. They let me loose on the live system, and I had a manager checking my messages and communicating via msn. Must've done OK, because once the session has ended she told me I had passed and was free to text away to my heart's content. I've done a few hours on and off since then. It's constantly busy, so there's always messages to reply to. I'm doing around 50 an hour at the moment, so at 4p a message it's certainly not a way to get rich quick and well under minimum wage, but at least I feel like I'm doing something to earn some dosh and help towards the bills!

Hannah seemed to have a remarkable recovery yesterday and was full of beans. She took a slight turn for the worse again during the night though, complaining again of headache and stomach ache, and she had a slightly raised temperature this morning, so unfortunately had to miss one of her classmate's birthday parties. She didn't seem to disappointed though! She got better towards the afternoon, at which point I started to feel pretty rough myself, don't know if it's the same thing. Hannah spent the afternoon with Gary and is staying overnight, so I took the opportunity to get some rest, and feel a lot better now. Here's hoping we're both feeling well tomorrow so we can go out and do something rather than being cooped up in the house again!

onwards and upwards? and my poor brave girl :(

Thought I'd posted about this yesterday, but doesn't seem to have saved. Anyhoo, I've finally got some 'work'! It's not well paid, but it's working from home at my convenience and will help towards the bills. I shall be working as a 'text chat operator' which means I'll be replying to text messages sent to premium rate numbers - you know the type, advertised on late night TV and the like. It's all done through a website, and I just log on whenever I want to work. Something like that is ideal for me at the moment, as I really don't think it's a good idea for me to commit to something more conventional whilst I'm waiting further diagnosis/treatment. I'm undergoing my second stage of training tomorrow, then there's one more to pass, and I'll be up and running.

It's been a tiring day today, poor Hannah wasn't feeling well this morning, complaining of a headache and tummy ache, so I decided to keep her off school. We both had a morning nap, then when she woke she was burning up with fever and very lethargic. I gave her some calpol and made an appointment with the GP. Just before we arrived, I noticed a couple of purple spots on her forearm which weren't disappearing under pressure. GP thought it looked like an infection, but said that because of the spots it was best to err on the side of caution, and to head to A&E at Hillingdon hospital for blood tests. I thought the suggestion might freak Hannah out a bit but she really perked up and was practically skipping out of the surgery saying that her friend had had a blood test last week! We picked up Gary on the way, and it was a long wait. Poor mite wasn't so keen on the tests when they came - they took the blood through the back of her hand so that they could leave tubes in place should she need any medicine later. She was so brave, didn't make a fuss, but was silently streaming tears - almost broke my heart :( The good news is that the blood tests didn't indicate any real problems, and it looks like it's a viral infection. Once we eventually got home, I gave Hannah some Calpol, and she was much better within half an hour or so and managed to eat some dinner. She also got me to give her some sums to do as she was very concerned at having to miss two days of school! Fingers crossed she'll be a bit brighter tomorrow.

As for me, I've been absolutely fine since the weekend, which is very welcome after last week. Long may it continue!

An OK couple of days

Don't really have much to say as the last couple of days have been pretty non-descript, but I don't just want to post when things are really bad or really good! Since the episode on Sunday, I've been fine - I think it was probably a combination of a week's worth of built up frustration coming to a head and my body getting accustomed to the hormones in the Mirena (I've done a bit of reading up on it, and such side effects are not uncommon). Still in a bit of a muddle deciding what to do work wise. I've applied to a company to do a bit of work from home - it's not very well paid, but at least it will get a bit of money coming in between now and getting my psych referral through. Fingers crossed they offer me something!

A few people have commented that I should probably claim benefits of some sort. I'm really not sure I'm entitled to anything though. As things stand, I don't feel ready to go back to an office environment just yet as I am worried about how I will react - I think I really need some sort of counselling first. There's not really anything non-office based that I'm qualified to apply for, so to try to claim Job Seeker's allowance would seem a bit off. I suppose for the time being incapacity benefit is the obvious one, but not sure whether I would be able to claim that based on my current diagnosis (anxiety and depression), or if I'll need to wait until after I've been through the system with my current issues.

I'll hold off for now - I'd rather not claim benefits (although I've paid enough in to the pot!) and would prefer working for less than minimum wage - at least I'd feel I was doing something constructive. If this working from home thing doesn't come off, I'll get myself down to the local Citizens Advice Bureau and see what they say.

Tough one

this is a tough post to write, but I want to get it down whilst the emotions are still fresh in my mind. it probably won't read well, but that's not really the purpose, so i'm not going to apologise!

after writing up earlier, predictably I spent the next few hours sat on the same sofa i've been sat on for the last week, chain smoking, and staring blankly at the computer or the TV. It all got too much. I went out for a walk. I told Matt I was going out for a walk. I left my phone behind. As I left the house, I had no intention of coming back for a least a day or two. I had no plan - I didn't want to spend too much money, as I knew that would just cause more problems, but thought I might be able to find somewhere cheap to hole up for the night. I didn't want to contact any friends or family - I just wanted to escape from the face of the planet for a day or two. The thought went through my head that I could walk in front of a car and spend a bit of time in hospital. It didn't last long. I hadn't even walked a mile when my conscience got the better of me and I turned round and headed home.

I got in, sat in that same bloody spot on the sofa, lit another bloody cigarette, then just felt full of anger, rage and frustration. I don't usually 'do' anger, so it scared me. I've never had a physical fight in my life. Yet suddenly I felt overcome with the desire to trash the room. I could feel that with just a shift of my foot I could kick over the coffee table in front of me. I could pick up my laptop and throw it with force to the floor. My body started to shake. I told Matt I needed to escape. He suggested going to my mums. I couldn't answer. He said we didn't have many other options as money was short. I lost it. I shouted and swore at him. All that was going through my head was 'does he think I don't fucking know that?!'. He came to comfort me and then I lost it again - I ignored the part of me that was stopping those feet from hitting the table and I lashed out. Matt tried to restrain me, so I had no option but to hit myself to try to get rid of the frustration. I told him to let me go, then I went upstairs and not so much cried but wailed for a while. It seemed to do the trick. The frustration is gone for now.

I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

almost one o'clock and I'm up after a nice sleep and a lie-in :) After waking I lay in bed pondering stuff, as I often do if I don't have to get up immediately and go anywhere. I toyed with the idea of going to Luton to play the £100 comp this afternoon. I've been stuck in the house all week with no social interaction, and the V-festival tickets I've listed on ebay look like they're going to make a couple of hundred quid more than I was expecting.

I mentioned this to Matt when I got up, and he quickly made me realise it's not a good idea when I've not got any work lined up. He's right of course. It's not just the poker I miss, in fact that a small part of it - the crowd at Luton are a friendly and fun bunch, and what I miss is the social and fun side of it. I should probably arrange to have a home game or something soon - it'll achieve the same end and be a lot cheaper.

I really don't want to spend the day and evening sat indoors in front of the computer though - I've got a whole week of that ahead on my own while Matt goes out to work. Will have a think about what to do with the day now.

Mood about a 5 - not particularly sad, nor particularly happy. Hey - I think I just might be feeling 'normal' today!!

still good :)

Not much to say about today - it was a quiet one, and stayed indoors. Mood wise, I've been feeling pretty good - better than average - maybe a 7 :) It's quite hard to fathom when I'm feeling pretty much happy like I am just now that a matter of a few short days ago I was so low, and almost catatonic. Not sure what the catalyst for the change in mood is given that my circumstances remain as they did last week. I think going to see the GP the other day and taking control of things has helped.

Additionally, I think the conscious decision to postpone looking for a full time, permanent job in favour of just seeking temporary work has also helped. I really want to get myself as sorted as possible before committing myself.

Also I wonder if the hormones in the new contraception might be having a positive effect on my mood. Might have to do a bit of research. If it is a side effect, it's a very welcome one.

Hoping the smile stays fixed for a while longer :)

Friday. A 'good' day I think.

Feeling pretty much fine today. mood is a 5!! When I went to the docs yesterday, as well has discussing my mental state, I also had a mirena coil fitted. Without going into too much detail, for those that don't know it's a method of contraception that works by releasing small amounts of hormones into the body at regular intervals. Given that, I've decided not to start taking the anti-depressants (also hormonal obviously) again just yet as if I suffer any side effects from either the Mirena or the tablets I won't know what's what. I'll give my body a few weeks to get used to the mirena first, then start back on the pills.

I woke up this morning to a voicemail message from an employment agency. They have a job that they think I would be suitable for - dealing with complaints for a large financial services company. I really don't think being thrown into a complaints handling environment is what I need right now. It's stressful, and it comes with the territory that the people you deal with on a daily basis in that kind of job are often angry and/or upset. I don't think that's what I need right now, although I am in desperate need of earning some cash, and this is where my experience is.

I'll put off calling the guy back until Monday, so I can have a think about whether the pros will outweigh the cons, but it just seems to me at the moment that it would be a bit of a foolish move voluntarily putting myself into that kind of environment just now.

Back from the doctors

boo - just typed a long post up and lost it!

To cut a long story short, I'm back from the doctor now, and she agrees that there is a strong probability that I have bipolar disorder. A relief in a way that it wasn't all in my head, but a part of me was hoping she'd say I clearly wasn't and not to worry about it! Anyway, I'm being referred now to the local psychiatric unit, and they'll be contacting me in three weeks or so to make an appointment. From there, I'll be assessed by a psychiatrist who will make a diagnosis. In the interim, I've been put back on Prozac (came off it in March) to help with the depression I'm currently experiencing.

I'll probably still update here regularly, as I think it will be helpful to keep a diary of my moods.

Thursday morning

Just after 12 noon. I've just woken up after a 12 hour sleep. Before my 12 hour sleep I had a three hour nap in the early evening. The day before that I slept for five hours during the day, and 10 at night. I could quite easily go back to sleep now. The constant need for sleep is always prevalent during a low period, although I'm not entirely sure of the reasons behind it. I've got no energy, so it's not as if I'm wearing myself out. Maybe it's my body's way of protecting me - just shutting down. I don't know. Conversely, when I've been in 'up' periods, I've managed on 4-5 hours sleep a night.

Anyway, so here I sit, just after noon. I have plans for today in that I'm going to the doctors at 4pm, so at least this will ensure that I get washed and dressed and get out of the house. The only other times I've been out this week are for school runs Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning and buying cigarettes from over the road when I've run out. Invariably I've run those errands without making too much effort, and just sticking on the clothes I wore the day before.

Oh yes, I also went to visit Hannah at Gary's on Monday evening - he'd had her over the weekend as I was going to Nottingham, and agreed to have her for an extra evening as I wasn't feeling good and wasn't sure I could cope with her that evening. I missed her terribly though, so went round to see her for cuddles. I must say that Gary has been incredibly understanding and flexible - thank you.

Hard to pinpoint my mood on the mood-o-meter today as I've only been awake for half an hour or so, but it's probably slightly lower than yesterday - 2.5 to 3 maybe. In honesty, I just feel a bit numb today. I don't feel like I'm going to cry (although most often the tears just come out of the blue), I don't feel particularly down on myself. Overwhelmingly I just feel tired and sort of 'meh'.

Bath is run - off to get washed and dressed now. I'll update again after I have seen the doctor this afternoon.

Wednesday

Mood so far seems pretty 'normal'. On a scale of 1-10 where 1 is in the pits and 10 is euphoric, I'd say I'm around a 3 today, which is fine. A bit of chocolate and I reckon I could even edge up to a 4 :)

No plans for the day - Hannah's going back to Gary's this evening. In more solvent times, I'd be going to Luton tonight to play the lovely £50 with one rebuy jobby. Yes, I'd prefer it if I could still go, but I'm actually much more accepting just now of the fact that I can't do it then I would have been at other points in the past. Having done a bit of reading about the bipolar, that may offer an explanation to that too. I'm in a bit of a low-stable period at the moment, but were I in one of my more 'manic' phases I'd find the fact I couldn't play tonight frustrating and annoying, and would probably end up going along anyway even though I can't afford it, the suffering the inevitable come down afterwards.

I've now got an appointment to see my GP. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm due to see her about something unrelated tomorrow afternoon. I spoke to the surgery this morning to see if I could get the appointment extended to discuss something else, and that's been agreed. Hopefully it will go ok - it should do. My GP has seen me several times over the past couple of years with issues related to my depression and anxiety. I'd imagine it's not too much of a leap, and at least I won't be starting from scratch in explaining some of the stuff I've experienced - I'll just be filling in some of the missing pieces of the jigsaw I think. I know I won't get any answers tomorrow, but I'm hopeful that I can come away with a referral to a psychiatrist so I can get started on the process of diagnosis, and hopefully come away with a better idea of what to expect.